Before we begin: I should probably mention that my real-life dating history is… nonexistent. Yes, that’s right. Two real-life crushes, and I survived, somehow, to fall headfirst into fictional men instead. Clearly, my heart decided early on that reality is messy, boring, and liable to text you back at inconvenient times. Fictional men? Never text you back either, but at least they come with drama, tragedy, accents, and perfect fanart.

And so… the eras of my delusion begin.

Carth Onasi (KOTOR) – Age ~10
Ah, Carth. My first real “I think I might actually die if he doesn’t exist” crush. I was ten, blissfully unaware that what I was really signing up for was a lifelong obsession with men who have enough trauma for the entire universe and then some. The picture is blurry, sure, but any decent KOTOR fanart will do. Brooding, loyal, and just the tiniest bit emotionally unavailable? Yep, ten-year-old me was already setting the bar impossibly high.

Nick Wilde (Zootopia) – Age 11
Then came Nick Wilde, the fox with a grin that could melt city ice and a backstory that made him strangely relatable. Honestly, a lot of people had this crush, so at least I was normal for once… sort of. Eleven-year-old me clearly had a thing for charming rogues who could talk their way out of anything, preferably with a side of sarcasm.

Andre (Dork Diaries) – Age 11-12
Andre. Oh, poor Andre. Just a sweet, perfect guy hopelessly in love with Nikki and basically ignored by her (and by extension, me for sympathizing with him too hard). Eleven-to-twelve-year-old me had a minor obsession with pitying fictional men while also thinking, wow, he deserves better. Clearly, I was already cultivating a taste for the tragically undervalued.

Flynn Rider (Tangled) – Age 12
Flynn Rider. I don’t even need to explain. You know him. Charming, roguish, endlessly handsome, and voiced by the perfect man. Classic. Twelve-year-old me had officially peaked in taste, though thankfully the internet existed so I could wallow in fanart guilt-free.

Prince Caspian (Prince Caspian) – Age 12-13
Prince Caspian. Just… look at him. Literally. I don’t need to add words. A prince. A strong jawline. A kingdom’s worth of drama. And me, twelve or thirteen, swooning appropriately.

Vilkas & Farkas (Skyrim) – Age 13
Ah yes, the twin werewolves of Skyrim. Thirteen-year-old me, embracing the basic white tween girl phase: a healthy obsession with either vampires or werewolves. Vilkas, Farkas… both strong, furry, and ready to murder anyone who annoyed me. Basically, Skyrim equipped me for adult-level delusions about the men I’d never meet.

Alistair & Zevran (Dragon Age: Origins) – Age 14
Alistair, a golden retriever, adorable cinnamon roll, hero of Ferelden. Zevran, suave assassin with the accent that will haunt my dreams forever. I cannot even adequately convey the hours spent scrolling fanart, thinking about the dialogue options, and crying quietly over Zevran’s tragic backstory. Fourteen-year-old me was officially irredeemable, but I was having fun.

Kaiden, Garrus, & Thane (Mass Effect Trilogy) – Age 15
Fifteen brought the Mass Effect obsession. Kaiden, because he reminded me of Carth — voice and trauma included. Garrus, my personal lizard-person love, who also has that voice that just slays you emotionally. And Thane… poor Thane. His death still hurts. Fish/frog-person? Check. Voice that could make angels weep? Check. Traumatized space assassin? Check. Fifteen-year-old me reached the peak of chaotic romance.

Romance & Jinu (KPDH) – Now
And currently… Romance and Jinu from KPDH. Self-explanatory, really. I’ve learned nothing, clearly, except that the more tragic, charming, or impossible the man, the better.

P.S. I asked my bestie if I should make this post. She said yes. So technically… it’s all her fault I’m broadcasting my entire timeline of delusional fictional crushes to the internet. /jk I love @-shimsham- sm, and also… let’s be real, this was 100% my idea. But hey, if anyone wants to blame someone, she’s a convenient target (jkkkkk, seriously don't attack her lol).

Honestly, I’m mortified, embarrassed, and yet also… proud. Proud that I survived childhood, survived younger teenage me, and somehow still have a functioning brain despite shipping entire universes worth of fictional men. If anyone needs me, I’ll be hiding in the corner, scrolling fanart and laughing at my past self while simultaneously crying a little.